R U There Yet?

     I remember when I was young I was asked often what I wanted to be when I grew up.  I'm still wondering that myself.

     It occurs to me that we never seem to be okay with where we are right now, do we.  I mean, when we're single people want to know when we will get married.  Then when will you have kids.  Don't you like kids? You'll love having kids.  Are you doing anything about having any kids?  So, kids come along and the questions ramp up to asking are you having more?  Is this the last one?  You should have more kids.  Kids are the best.  You sure you're finished?

     Same with school, isn't it?  You going to school?  What's your major?  Picked a major yet?  Why that major?  Going to switch your major to something more lucrative?   And not only that, the pelting continues with how much longer til you graduate?  Aren't you going to graduate soon?  Shouldn't you be graduating by now?  Why is it taking you so long to graduate?

     And, of course, then its time for work.  Looking for a job?  How's the job search going?  What are you doing to find a job?  Where are you looking?  Are you interviewing?  Why is it taking so long for you to find work?  Will that job pay enough to live on?  Will you keep that job or look for something better?  You could find a better job than that, couldn't you?

     I remember back when I was childless.  I remember being okay with it and that bugged the crap out of a lot of people.  And even though I had plenty of nieces and nephews around to play with and have sleepovers at my house, I was admonished that this was not enough and I ought to be doing more to have kids.  There was no way I could possibly know what love was until I had my own children.  I ought to be doing more to have my own children.

      Despite the best intentions of these well-meaning life coaches, I found that I was perfectly okay with not having kids.  I don't mean to say that I didn't want any.  All I mean is that I was okay with what I DID have and chose to enjoy that.  Does that make sense?  Honestly, I was okay with not having kids and knew I would be okay if kids came along too.  I chose to be okay with what I had and tried to make the most of it in my own primitive way.  I know it put some noses out of joint that I wasn't pining for babies and I didn't seek them out at gatherings to fill some maternal need to coo and squeeze.  I didn't cry when friends had more and more babies and the years ticked by.

     Personally, I don't think I am cold or past feeling or anything.  I think I am a sort of realist and I believe that it is okay to not have everything that everyone else has.  No kids was great.  Having kids now is great.  Going to school was great (great torture, to be sure, but great nonetheless).  Not going to school is great.  Having down time now because I don't have to get up and drive to an office job is great.  Once I have a job and have to get up and go to work it will also be great (I hope).

     My prayers at the side of my bed each night are so boring but I do make it a point to thank the Lord for the down time I enjoy right now.  Oh, I still work the two jobs I've been working all along, but I don't have to get up and drive to classes or do homework and meet deadlines any more now.  I thank the Lord and ask Him to help me to let go of guilt about enjoying this time.  I tell Him about the many job applications and searches that I do in a given day and thank Him for guiding me to the places to look for jobs.  And then I thank Him for such good kids who go to school and get good grades, and do their best to be good  upstanding people.  I thank Him that my car started again today.  I thank Him for what I have today.

     What's next?  I have not idea but I'm okay with that.

'Sup

China Lily supper.
Stone organized it and sat by me.
Soda, Soda's wife, Soda's oldest granddaughter, Soda's 2nd oldest daughter & her kids joined us.

It was a turntable of yummy food and fam time to celebrate my finishing my degree.  Mostly, it was just a good meal with people I care about.

Stone is interesting.  He takes care of getting the fam together more and more these days and I have to say it is at great effort.  His desire to make the fam at least attempt the appearance of togetherness is admirable.  At least he tries, which is more than most of the members of our fam do.  Way more.  And, not only that, but he doesn't take offense easily when we aren't perfect.  That is, he takes us as we come, warts and all, and actually give a care that we live, struggle, and long for more unity (though there are a few that will fight to the death to keep from admitting that fact).  I like Stone.  I love him and always have loved him dearly.  But I also really like him.  He's a good man and a good brother.  He does more for my little situation than he wants me to discover.

Soda is another kettle.  He is a different animal when he is on his own than when he is with his keeper.  Soda called my boy before Christmas and asked him to visit Soda's workplace.  When AJ arrived, Soda gave him a wad of cash and said it was a "birthday present" for AJ and CC.  What?!?  In his own way, Soda was making a connection and showing he cared.  It was unusual and yet, for Soda, it was pretty normal behavior.  Anyway, the kids were able to put the bucks to good use for the holidays and it took the pressure off our finances.  Soda cares too. He really does. He just has to be careful not to get zapped, though, because of the shock collar he has to wear.  Harsh to say?  You have to be there to judge.

It does feel good to be remembered.  I forgot that.

Dear Winter...pppptttthhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Dear Winter:

Usually I would curse your name as I chisel the glacier from my windscreen.  But today I say thank-you so much for the balmy air and the mild temperature.  The weather forecasters fill my ears with threats of titanic storms headed this way but they lie.  THEY LIE!  And I laugh as I dance on the graves of their dead threats.  Hope to not see you soon.
Sincerely, Me the sol-a-phile!

Took my neph to dinner tonight.  We were going to pick him up and bring him home for dinner but schedules got in the way.  We took him to eat at Brick Oven and had good food and good laughs.  Next time we get together he has promised to bring photos and give us a walking tour through his mission.  Just like when LL went on a cruise last year and I asked her to take snaps of the trip so I could see what it was like to be there, I hope to do the same with my neph and see what it was like to be in Guadalajara (is that how it is spelled?).

Got a call from LL yesterday morning and I feel like I dropped the ball somehow.  She is back in college and working her butt off in some difficult classes and called for some support.  I, of course, tried to be a sort of a fixer, suggesting ridiculous solutions like "maybe you can drop the class and take it later with a better teacher" and other nonesense.  For some reason or other it got to be difficult for her to hear me speaking and she must have thought I was ignoring her so she said goodbye and rang off.  I suck at being supportive.  I was trying to listen and "be there" but it didin't come off that way.  I felt lousy about it all day.  But it's not about me, is it.

Got some job apps in and took an online exam sent to me by one agency.  They said the score would be sent on to recruiters of all agencies seeking my skills.  Sounded promising.  Meanwhile, I am still getting by with the two jobs I've got and not stressing about the down time during the search.  I mean, I learned long ago that I have to enjoy where I am while I am there, and not spend life waiting for what's to come next before I can have a life.  Like when the children didn't come right away - I did my best to enjoy the freedom I had and not let what I couldn't control dictate to me whether I had a life!  Same today.  No worrying about the next job.  Just search, apply, and be happy with what I have for now.

I am still proud about finishing my degree.

Straight AAAs

Checked my grades...got all A's. Oh, my gosh, I was so happy I danced around the room. I yelled it into the next room for my AJ to hear and he clapped and shouted whoo-hoo! When CC got home and finished telling me about her day I told her and she clapped and congratulated me.

Straight A's. What a way to end my school career! I am very proud of what I've accomplished and that I didn't give up. So many time I went through fear and desperation trying to understand the work or just get it all done under deadlines that I wanted to just stop and say I couldn't have what I wanted and it was a good run. But each time, I told myself that I would never have this chance again and it was now time to stick it out and get to the other side.

I remember feeling that way during the big C. So many times the pain would wash over me and tell me that this was all there ever would be before I would die and leave my kids on their own. So many times I cried about the loneliness of being on my own through such a horrific illness and treatment. And so many times the thought would come of me standing on the other side of the big C and looking back at it as a thing of the past. I could visualize myself standing across the room at a time in the future when the pain and the fear and the disease were gone and I would tell myself that I would get to that place. Today when I look back on those months I remember it like it was yesterday and I take a mental inventory of how I feel physically, and then I look back at myself in pain and say "you made it".

With school, it is still fresh. I just finished and the diploma hasn't arrived or anything. But the new semester started and I didn't have to go. I didn't have to buy books, leave early and park, walk up the hill, find a room and then a seat, scan the room for any familiar faces, browse any syllabi... But I have been able to look at my backpack and look back at myself wearing it and struggling to "get it" and to get it done. I look back at myself and smile because I'm glad I didn't quit. I got here. I got here.

LL just let me know she is starting back up in college. I ran over to her old HS to pick up and mail her transcripts because she needed them to get registered for classes. She is actually going back to school and I feel like a proud mom! I am just beaming with excitement for her because I know it will be such a fulfilling thing for her to get it done. She is very brave, though, because I know it is hard to see yourself going back to college with 19 year olds and feeling like you belong. The fear of not being able to handle it along with the other load of mom-hood, church callings, etc. is a real show stopper. But the fact that she has made up her mind to give it a try is outstanding!

Anyway, back to me....

No, just kidding.