The Eagle Passed

Issue #1:  Eagle Project = DONE!

All that's left is the paperwork that
AJ has to complete and submit on his own.

People donated (in response to AJ's flyer
on neighborhood doors and announcements at church) almost the entire cost of all the materials used.

People showed up and WORKED
(including Soda and his son, and LL's son)
on both days of the project!

A true Eagle Scout Project done by the scout 
and not the mom.  It was a pleasure to watch
 AJ coordinate, calculate, instruct,
 and follow through like an adult.

Issue #2:  Car Emissions/Inspection = PASSED!

A friend suggested an additive for the crankcase
(yes, I know what a crankcase is)
and gas tank that could help
burn out some of the gunk
(as Bill Cosby likes to say).

  Put it in, drove the car for 30 minutes,
left the car at the shop for
another go at the emissions testing.

Auto shop replaced plugs and did minor tune-up.

Results - drive it legally one more year!

So, I have been saying prayers of thanks
for His tender mercies
and compassion all day long!!!!!!!

I really had to work at having faith
and not worrying or getting depressed
since last Friday.

It is true that how I have handled
such impossible
situations in the past didn't appear to
work for me.

It was necessary to try a new approach.

  

Said lots and lots of prayers all week
to help me let go
 because frankly,
there was absolutely NOTHING
I could possibly do about any of it.
It was out of my control. 

More than my share

I know you won't believe this....but I have some troubles.   See?  I told you, you wouldn't believe me.   

Part I:  My boss let me know that he will be re-thinking the way he runs his business and that will probably mean no job beginning in January. 

Part II:  The car won't pass emissions.  The shop asked me to take it for a high speed drive on the freeway to get the heat up on the engine and they would test it again.  I did that.  They did that.  It didn't pass.  So, by the end of the month I will be car-less.

Part III: My roof leaks have caused a huge sag in the diningroom ceiling which should cave in any day now.

Why am I telling you all this?  Because if I don't get it out of my mind and in the open I may have a nervous breakdown.  

Stress???

AJ's big project is Tues/Wed and donations are low...which means I have to foot the bill AND go do the work on the project.  

CC's re-taken a big test and is worried she will have to keep taking it until she gets her score up...which means I have to foot the bills.

So, to sum up:  no money, threats of unemployment, house damages, no car, and kids' needs are off the charts.  My prayers are ALL about coping right now.  Faith has to fight hard to keep the fear from killing me.

Just sharing.  I think I'm worn out.  You know?  I'm worn out trying to keep from drowning-trying to keep US from drowning.

I know we are counseled to not compare our lives to others' so I work at that.  But times like these make my situation seem so pathetic and desperate.  Seem?  Actually, it IS pathetic and desperate.  

I'm trying to keep positive and breathe.  But I can't keep going like this without some intervention or help.  I mean REAL help.  

Maybe it seems like I'm just whining (again) and all I have to do is try harder.  I've heard that before.  And maybe I'm being put through the refiner's fire (still).  Yeah?  So why am I watching families around me go to jobs, take vacations, drive decent vehicles, have gatherings, and generally enjoy successes as they make PROGRESS in their lives while I continue to tread sewage?

I get jealous.  I feel cheated.  I'm human.

Is it possible to survive facing ruin every morning of one's life with a smile?

Some days its hard to just get up and get dressed.  I consider those the success days.

"Get an education so you can fall back on it in times of financial need..." just rings hollow to me now.  I've had 18 years of financial need now with no end in sight for the next few decades.

I think I'm low on hope tonight.  But, I have to keep asking the Lord for the ability to withstand/endure and for the faith to keep getting up to face every day. 

Kindertransport

Recently, I've been devouring books and films about the Holocaust, especially survivor stories.  This has been a subject of tremendous interest for me for as long as I can remember.  

Thanks to GoogleEarth I can also go to the sites of concentration camps, such as Buchenwald and Auschwitz, and look around.  

The books and films also focused on the Kindertransport which I knew very little about before.  These were people's recollections and survivor (survivor-guilt) stories. 

Why am I so interested?

No idea.

I stopped wondering why long ago.