The View From Here: July 2012

Would you believe me if I told you that I bought something for myself today?

I can hardly believe it myself and I was there when it happened.

Of course, the copy I got was more user friendly than this one.

Bonus: I can manage to play each one too.

Usually when I get a book of music it is from the library. I can't get through many of the pieces cuz I have such limited piano skills. But this time I found one I liked, took the chance, bought it, and hit a home run.

I don't play enough. Gonna work on that.

It used to be my habit to play in the evening on Sundays as the kids were winding down and getting ready for bed. I'd turn off lights except for the lamp over the music, and play everything that made me feel something. By the time I finished the kids would be ready to sleep and so would I. Good times.

My piano skills are primarily playing by ear. I can read the music and timing if I am familiar with the piece or if it isn't overly complicated or intricate. I like to play how I feel instead of like a robot getting every note exactly so.

So what?
I play to please me.

Two days on the couch is not a good sign.

Okay, so I get up to relieve myself on occasion, or to procure sustenance. (50 cents, please.)

And by the way, there is absolutely nothing on TV. But does that encourage me to turn it off? (That's rhetorical, people.)

I'm not depressed.

I'm just not motivated. Is that the right way to say it? Yah. Not motivated.

Maybe I need this.

Maybe it is okay to do nothing once in a while.

My AJ went out on the lake today with friends. My CC went to the rodeo this evening with friends.

I clicked through channels of endless blathering until the DVD Ever After winked at me from the DVD drawer. Once I unscrambled the miles of spaghetti wires and cables to get the DVD player to work, I lounged on the couch and watched the movie like it was new.

That's it, folks.

If you are reading this, please stop shaking your head in pity. I know I'm a freak. I already feel like a loser (sometimes). I just post this drivel to keep from drowning in my own mind.

To be honest, I may just be avoiding because there are so many things that need my attention and they all require money that I simply do not have. I mean, it takes a lot of cash (and skills that I just don't have) to repair some of the issues of this house we live in right now.

Another issue is the fact that my work has been tapering off and that means that my income is failing.

I did spend several hours pouring over job sites, filling out apps, sending in resume's. It kept me awake thinking about the financial responsibilities that are ahead of me and my utter lack of resources to meet those needs.

One of the jobs that I was particularly suited for - in every way imaginable - was located in Stuttgart. Can you see me uprooting my kids to move to Stuttgart in their final year of high school? Not gonna happen. That kind of thing literally cut me off at the knees and I will not put them through it.

But the real issue it that I have no goals. Isn't that what all the books say? Or maybe it isn't that I don't have goals, it is that I don't have any dreams. You know? I mean, I'm already the age that I am (which, by the way, is way past the age one should be seeking a career) and although I don't feel that age inside, I have to face the fact that employers want young and fresh meat to fill their positions.

I also know that the future is full of financial obligations for me to fill which overwhelm me to consider, all of which are absolutely on me to fill. There is no one else to pitch in, take up slack, contribute, give relief, nothing. It is all on me and believe me I feel the weight of it all.

That isn't to say that I don't have faith. I have nothing but. The Lord has gotten us this far. He will see us through. It is just the not knowing what to do and not knowing how I'm going to manage that creeps in to slap me around.

Sometimes I joke. I kid about a future time when my kids are solidly on their own I begin to taste the bittersweet freedom of that when KA-BLAM! my mother gets too incapacitated to be on her own and requires me to come stay with her to care for her. The cruel part is that I would be the only one who was available to do so AND she would linger until I was aged myself. [[[shudder]]] (Oh, and for those of you who feel inclined to be offended at my not wishing to be a caregiver.....feel free to self-righteously judge me and then crawl back into your own hiding place while silently hoping you too dodge that bullet!)

My sister insisted that I not be sucked into that vortex - to let someone else handle that, if it occurred. She says that if this scenario occurred, it would be best to put mom in a care center because I wouldn't be able to physically lift her and carry her as would be required. She also says that there is one brother in particular who should be the one called upon to render the services mother would insist on or require and that he should be responsible for this himself. So let it be written. So let it be done.

Or perhaps I could act like another brother who doesn't want to hear about anything going on so he can stay out of it all. He'd rather not know what goes on so he can smugly play innocent and then appear ignorant when real life happens in the family. Sorry. Checking out is not being alive. It is pure cop-out behavior. Burying your head in the sand is just being part of the problem. But I understand that it is easier.

Whatever happens, I really don't want to be the one who gets saddled with caring for a woman who frankly has treated me with disdain for several decades now. I'm good with not being nominated for that. (Again, all you judgers: see note above...)

Anyway, the challenge for me is to keep my outlook on the bright side, keep my faith in full gear, and try not to dwell on what I don't have. I do pretty well at that. I have to say that I've been able to find my way through that minefield. But sometimes I get overwhelmed, as I said before, and land on one of those mines. I get blown to smithereens emotionally. I get shell-shocked thinking about the next time it may happen too. Let's just say that a form of single mom PTSD comes and goes. (You don't have to agree. I am just trying to explain what non-stop stress feels like to me.)

If I let myself think about it, I will write several paragraphs on a blog that means nothing of any consequence. The funny thing to know about me, though, is that I DO think. I can't turn it off with a switch. I think and I try and I work at being happy. I get involved because I love my family. For me, love isn't words. My "love language" is action - show it.

I wish I had money coming in so I could sleep knowing the bills/mortgage will be paid before they are due.

I wish I had money coming in so I could sleep knowing the kids' future missions, college, marriages, etc. were covered.

I wish I had money coming in so I could get a car that didn't fail me repeatedly.

I wish I had money coming in so I could sleep.

I wish I could sleep.