R U There Yet?

     I remember when I was young I was asked often what I wanted to be when I grew up.  I'm still wondering that myself.

     It occurs to me that we never seem to be okay with where we are right now, do we.  I mean, when we're single people want to know when we will get married.  Then when will you have kids.  Don't you like kids? You'll love having kids.  Are you doing anything about having any kids?  So, kids come along and the questions ramp up to asking are you having more?  Is this the last one?  You should have more kids.  Kids are the best.  You sure you're finished?

     Same with school, isn't it?  You going to school?  What's your major?  Picked a major yet?  Why that major?  Going to switch your major to something more lucrative?   And not only that, the pelting continues with how much longer til you graduate?  Aren't you going to graduate soon?  Shouldn't you be graduating by now?  Why is it taking you so long to graduate?

     And, of course, then its time for work.  Looking for a job?  How's the job search going?  What are you doing to find a job?  Where are you looking?  Are you interviewing?  Why is it taking so long for you to find work?  Will that job pay enough to live on?  Will you keep that job or look for something better?  You could find a better job than that, couldn't you?

     I remember back when I was childless.  I remember being okay with it and that bugged the crap out of a lot of people.  And even though I had plenty of nieces and nephews around to play with and have sleepovers at my house, I was admonished that this was not enough and I ought to be doing more to have kids.  There was no way I could possibly know what love was until I had my own children.  I ought to be doing more to have my own children.

      Despite the best intentions of these well-meaning life coaches, I found that I was perfectly okay with not having kids.  I don't mean to say that I didn't want any.  All I mean is that I was okay with what I DID have and chose to enjoy that.  Does that make sense?  Honestly, I was okay with not having kids and knew I would be okay if kids came along too.  I chose to be okay with what I had and tried to make the most of it in my own primitive way.  I know it put some noses out of joint that I wasn't pining for babies and I didn't seek them out at gatherings to fill some maternal need to coo and squeeze.  I didn't cry when friends had more and more babies and the years ticked by.

     Personally, I don't think I am cold or past feeling or anything.  I think I am a sort of realist and I believe that it is okay to not have everything that everyone else has.  No kids was great.  Having kids now is great.  Going to school was great (great torture, to be sure, but great nonetheless).  Not going to school is great.  Having down time now because I don't have to get up and drive to an office job is great.  Once I have a job and have to get up and go to work it will also be great (I hope).

     My prayers at the side of my bed each night are so boring but I do make it a point to thank the Lord for the down time I enjoy right now.  Oh, I still work the two jobs I've been working all along, but I don't have to get up and drive to classes or do homework and meet deadlines any more now.  I thank the Lord and ask Him to help me to let go of guilt about enjoying this time.  I tell Him about the many job applications and searches that I do in a given day and thank Him for guiding me to the places to look for jobs.  And then I thank Him for such good kids who go to school and get good grades, and do their best to be good  upstanding people.  I thank Him that my car started again today.  I thank Him for what I have today.

     What's next?  I have not idea but I'm okay with that.