Another Loss

A young man in our neighborhood (and ward) passed away on November 7th.  It seems that he cleared out his belongings from his bedroom and disappeared without any word to his family.  He was located by tracing his cell phone.  He was found near Las Vegas, dead, from a self-inflicted gunshot wound.

CC texted me from her workplace and filled me in, then said she was near tears.  She is such a tender-hearted young woman.

So much pain that has driven a guy that young and that well-supported to do such a thing - to end his own life in a strange place.  Yeah, he grappled with depression and didn't hide it from his friends.

This has stunned us all.

Luke Ashton Bateman
(August 30, 1989 - November 7, 2012)
Luke Ashton Bateman, age 23, of Orem passed away November 7, 2012. He was born August 30, 1989 at Fort Belvoir, VA to Rachel Willmore and Louis Bateman. He graduated high school at Mountain View in Orem, UT and was working toward a degree in Behavior Science at Utah Valley University while working as a Psych Tech at Utah State Hospital. In his spare time Luke enjoyed competing with his football team Stealth in the Utah Tackle Football League as a coach. Luke is survived by both his parents, Rachel Willmore and Louis Bateman, his grandparents Lettie and Donald Willmore, and his siblings Heather, Jordan, and Paige Bateman. He was predeceased by his grandparents Peggy and David Bateman.
Funeral services will be held Tuesday, November 13, 2012 at 11:00 a.m. at the Cascade Chapel at Sundberg-Olpin Mortuary 495 South State Street, Orem. A visitation will be held 9:45 to 10:45 a.m. prior to the funeral services. Interment will be at the Orem City Cemetery.
The family would like to thank their extended family for the invaluable assistance offered, as well as their ward for all the help and support they have provided. A memorial fund has been set up in Luke’s name at Central Bank. Please contact the family with any donations or provide them directly to the bank.

Had a Chat

Went to the cemetery to pay my last respects to my friend.  His funeral was on Friday but I couldn't get out of a teaching commitment and so I missed it.

I remembered his wife said she would bury him just below the firing range, so I drove to that part of the cemetery and found his spot.  The flowers were still there, all heaped upon each other and gasping for water.

After I walked around the plot and took it all in, I found a spot near the top of the plot and sat down in the sunshine.  I had a little chat with my friend.  I told him thanks for always being so kind when we'd run into each other around the valley.  I thanked him for being friendly and taking time to stop what he was doing and chat.  For some reason this whole situation has me crying - often.  So, while I chatted I let the tears come.

I looked at the view he has from his spot and I could see the lake and the other side of the valley.  He was an outdoors loving guy and this was perfect.

I thought of all he has accomplished since his humble beginnings in Huntington.  I told him I was impressed with his hard work and success.

Then I told him I was glad his wife had the testimony of forever families to see her through this hard time.  I told him about the many people who were in her corner, trying to be a comfort to her and the two daughters.  I know he knew all this but I told him anyway.

I sat with my friend for the better part of an hour.  When I left, I helped myself to a single dwarf sunflower from one of the arrangements that was lying on the ground.  A single token to remember my friend.

Why has this hit me so hard?  I can't even think about it without getting all choked up and crying.  We weren't close and we only ran into each other on occasion, generally only long enough to say hello and ask how things were going.  So, why does it effect me so??

Fun Has Arrived

Donald Edward McCandless 
1959 ~ 2012

Donald Edward McCandless died October 28, 2012 in Provo, Utah as the result of kidney cancer-induced strokes. Don was born June 29, 1959 in Price, Utah to William Edward and Carolyn Tew McCandless. He grew up in Huntington, playing in ditches, welding, farming, roaming the San Rafael desert and being a good kid with a little rascal thrown in. He served an LDS mission to Hawaii from 1978-80. He married Karen Stone on July 26, 1985 in the Jordan River LDS Temple and they were blessed with two daughters. Don would joke they were the only ones brave enough to have him and Karen as parents. Don graduated from BYU with a BS degree in Political Science and a JD degree and practiced law in Utah Valley.

Don was a member of the LDS church, loving his service with the youth, whether they were his BYU singles ward students or the young men. He had a strong testimony of the Savior and taught his children well. He constantly served others, whether they were shocked Chinese tourists who had just hit a deer in Huntington Canyon to those affiliated with Habitat for Humanity.

Don loved fishing, camping, shooting, the blues, cooking, astronomy, collecting rocks and fossils, and playing his guitar. He played his guitar every day, singing and making up crazy lyrics. Education was very important to him. Don loved learning and could remember everything. Most of all he loved his girls. He loved spending time with them, whether it was a trip to the store, sitting around a campfire or attending a concert or swim meet.

Don fixed things, wanting his family, friends and possessions to be working at their best. Many of us have something broken in our lives, whether it is a physical object, our relationship with the Savior, a family member, or our own selves. In honor of Don, fix something that is broken in your life, no matter how hard it may be.

Survivors include his wife, Karen, daughters Jamie (David) Pearson and Kelley, all of Orem. Parents William and Carolyn McCandless, brothers Wayne (Juanita), Mike (Helen), sister Sharon (Andy) Pollaehne, all of Huntington, Utah. He is also survived by cousins, nieces and nephews and in-laws.

Services will be held Friday, November 2, 2012 at the Timpview Stake Center, 1050 N 600 W Orem at 1 pm. Visitation will be from 11:30am-12:30pm at the church or on Thursday, November 1st from 6-8 pm at Sundberg Olpin Mortuary, 495 S State Orem. In lieu of flowers, a "Don McCandless BYU Scholarship" account has been
established. Donations can be made at any Wells Fargo bank. Condolences may be sent to the family at www.SundbergOlpinMortuary.com

Speaky new wordz.

Got some books on Arabic.Gonna try to learn it, or at least learn the alphabet and some key phrases, a little bit at a time.







Got a book on Greek too because it was 50cents and came with flashcards.  That may be next.

After that - probably some Chinese, Korean, Japanese.

 







Once I learned the cyrillic alphabet it became easier to read Russian signs and idioms.  So, I'm hoping to get some of these other "alphabets" under my wing to make their symbols less of a mystery.  




It bugs me to not know what something says.

It also bugs me when I don't understand what someone is saying.

I can do something about that.

The Eagle Passed

Issue #1:  Eagle Project = DONE!

All that's left is the paperwork that
AJ has to complete and submit on his own.

People donated (in response to AJ's flyer
on neighborhood doors and announcements at church) almost the entire cost of all the materials used.

People showed up and WORKED
(including Soda and his son, and LL's son)
on both days of the project!

A true Eagle Scout Project done by the scout 
and not the mom.  It was a pleasure to watch
 AJ coordinate, calculate, instruct,
 and follow through like an adult.

Issue #2:  Car Emissions/Inspection = PASSED!

A friend suggested an additive for the crankcase
(yes, I know what a crankcase is)
and gas tank that could help
burn out some of the gunk
(as Bill Cosby likes to say).

  Put it in, drove the car for 30 minutes,
left the car at the shop for
another go at the emissions testing.

Auto shop replaced plugs and did minor tune-up.

Results - drive it legally one more year!

So, I have been saying prayers of thanks
for His tender mercies
and compassion all day long!!!!!!!

I really had to work at having faith
and not worrying or getting depressed
since last Friday.

It is true that how I have handled
such impossible
situations in the past didn't appear to
work for me.

It was necessary to try a new approach.

  

Said lots and lots of prayers all week
to help me let go
 because frankly,
there was absolutely NOTHING
I could possibly do about any of it.
It was out of my control. 

More than my share

I know you won't believe this....but I have some troubles.   See?  I told you, you wouldn't believe me.   

Part I:  My boss let me know that he will be re-thinking the way he runs his business and that will probably mean no job beginning in January. 

Part II:  The car won't pass emissions.  The shop asked me to take it for a high speed drive on the freeway to get the heat up on the engine and they would test it again.  I did that.  They did that.  It didn't pass.  So, by the end of the month I will be car-less.

Part III: My roof leaks have caused a huge sag in the diningroom ceiling which should cave in any day now.

Why am I telling you all this?  Because if I don't get it out of my mind and in the open I may have a nervous breakdown.  

Stress???

AJ's big project is Tues/Wed and donations are low...which means I have to foot the bill AND go do the work on the project.  

CC's re-taken a big test and is worried she will have to keep taking it until she gets her score up...which means I have to foot the bills.

So, to sum up:  no money, threats of unemployment, house damages, no car, and kids' needs are off the charts.  My prayers are ALL about coping right now.  Faith has to fight hard to keep the fear from killing me.

Just sharing.  I think I'm worn out.  You know?  I'm worn out trying to keep from drowning-trying to keep US from drowning.

I know we are counseled to not compare our lives to others' so I work at that.  But times like these make my situation seem so pathetic and desperate.  Seem?  Actually, it IS pathetic and desperate.  

I'm trying to keep positive and breathe.  But I can't keep going like this without some intervention or help.  I mean REAL help.  

Maybe it seems like I'm just whining (again) and all I have to do is try harder.  I've heard that before.  And maybe I'm being put through the refiner's fire (still).  Yeah?  So why am I watching families around me go to jobs, take vacations, drive decent vehicles, have gatherings, and generally enjoy successes as they make PROGRESS in their lives while I continue to tread sewage?

I get jealous.  I feel cheated.  I'm human.

Is it possible to survive facing ruin every morning of one's life with a smile?

Some days its hard to just get up and get dressed.  I consider those the success days.

"Get an education so you can fall back on it in times of financial need..." just rings hollow to me now.  I've had 18 years of financial need now with no end in sight for the next few decades.

I think I'm low on hope tonight.  But, I have to keep asking the Lord for the ability to withstand/endure and for the faith to keep getting up to face every day. 

Kindertransport

Recently, I've been devouring books and films about the Holocaust, especially survivor stories.  This has been a subject of tremendous interest for me for as long as I can remember.  

Thanks to GoogleEarth I can also go to the sites of concentration camps, such as Buchenwald and Auschwitz, and look around.  

The books and films also focused on the Kindertransport which I knew very little about before.  These were people's recollections and survivor (survivor-guilt) stories. 

Why am I so interested?

No idea.

I stopped wondering why long ago. 

R&R

 

                                   Clint Eastwood had the guts to call it like he sees it.  It "made my day". 

Watched the Republican National Convention.  Ann Romney spoke about her husband and the father of her children with such respect it gave me hope that there are good guys out there that keep promises and don't run away and hide.

The speech by Marco Rubio was equally impressive to me as he spoke about his parents' beginnings in this country.

Every one of these people spoke about the greatness that was once America and most importantly, had the guts to give credit to Father in Heaven for all that America has, is and can be. Its about time we heard about how great and generous the God of all has been to us all. 

I was impressed with the humility and the sincerity of the messages I heard.

Preludes Please Me

Would you believe me if I told you that I bought something for myself today?


I can hardly believe it myself and I was there when it happened.

Of course, the copy I got was more user friendly than this one.

Bonus: I can manage to play each one too.

Usually when I get a book of music it is from the library.  I can't get through many of the pieces cuz I have such limited piano skills.  But this time I found one I liked, took the chance, bought it, and hit a home run.

I don't play enough.  Gonna work on that. 

It used to be my habit to play in the evening on Sundays as the kids were winding down and getting ready for bed.  I'd turn off lights except for the lamp over the music, and play everything that made me feel something.  By the time I finished the kids would be ready to sleep and so would I.  Good times.

My piano skills are primarily playing by ear.  I can read the music and timing if I am familiar with the piece or if it isn't overly complicated or intricate.  I like to play how I feel instead of like a robot getting every note exactly so. 

So what?
I play to please me.  

Promises Kept

Can you spot the second rainbow in the above pic?

 

Trying to rain today and showing off rainbows.

It doesn't get more
gorgeous than this.  

Breathtaking mountains that
 makes me feel at home, sweet home.

Ever After

Two days on the couch is not a good sign.

Okay, so I get up to relieve myself on occasion, or to procure sustenance.  (50 cents, please.)


And by the way, there is absolutely nothing on TV.  But does that encourage me to turn it off?  (That's rhetorical, people.)


I'm not depressed.


I'm just not motivated.  Is that the right way to say it?  Yah.  Not motivated.


Maybe I need this.


Maybe it is okay to do nothing once in a while.


My AJ went out on the lake today with friends.  My CC went to the rodeo this evening with friends.


I clicked through channels of endless blathering until the DVD Ever After winked at me from the DVD drawer.  Once I unscrambled the miles of spaghetti wires and cables to get the DVD player to work, I lounged on the couch and watched the movie like it was new.

That's it, folks.




If you are reading this, please stop shaking your head in pity.  I know I'm a freak.  I already feel like a loser (sometimes).  I just post this drivel to keep from drowning in my own mind.


To be honest, I may just be avoiding because there are so many things that need my attention and they all require money that I simply do not have.  I mean, it takes a lot of cash (and skills that I just don't have) to repair some of the issues of this house we live in right now.


Another issue is the fact that my work has been tapering off and that means that my income is failing.


I did spend several hours pouring over job sites, filling out apps, sending in resume's.  It kept me awake thinking about the financial responsibilities that are ahead of me and my utter lack of resources to meet those needs.

One of the jobs that I was particularly suited for - in every way imaginable - was located in Stuttgart.  Can you see me uprooting my kids to move to Stuttgart in their final year of high school?  Not gonna happen.  That kind of thing literally cut me off at the knees and I will not put them through it.


But the real issue it that I have no goals.  Isn't that what all the books say?  Or maybe it isn't that I don't have goals, it is that I don't have any dreams.  You know?  I mean, I'm already the age that I am (which, by the way, is way past the age one should be seeking a career) and although I don't feel that age inside, I have to face the fact that employers want young and fresh meat to fill their positions. 

I also know that the future is full of financial obligations for me to fill which overwhelm me to consider, all of which are absolutely on me to fill.  There is no one else to pitch in, take up slack, contribute, give relief, nothing.  It is all on me and believe me I feel the weight of it all.


That isn't to say that I don't have faith.  I have nothing but.  The Lord has gotten us this far.  He will see us through.  It is just the not knowing what to do and not knowing how I'm going to manage that creeps in to slap me around.


Sometimes I joke.  I kid about a future time when my kids are solidly on their own I begin to taste the bittersweet freedom of that when KA-BLAM! my mother gets too incapacitated to be on her own and requires me to come stay with her to care for her.  The cruel part is that I would be the only one who was available to do so AND she would linger until I was aged myself.  [[[shudder]]] (Oh, and for those of you who feel inclined to be offended at my not wishing to be a caregiver.....feel free to self-righteously judge me and then crawl back into your own hiding place while silently hoping you too dodge that bullet!)

My sister insisted that I not be sucked into that vortex - to let someone else handle that, if it occurred.  She says that if this scenario occurred, it would be best to put mom in a care center because I wouldn't be able to physically lift her and carry her as would be required.  She also says that there is one brother in particular who should be the one called upon to render the services mother would insist on or require and that he should be responsible for this himself.  So let it be written.  So let it be done.

Or perhaps I could act like another brother who doesn't want to hear about anything going on so he can stay out of it all.  He'd rather not know what goes on so he can smugly play innocent and then appear ignorant when real life happens in the family. Sorry.  Checking out is not being alive.  It is pure cop-out behavior.  Burying your head in the sand is just being part of the problem.  But I understand that it is easier.  


Whatever happens, I really don't want to be the one who gets saddled with caring for a woman who frankly has treated me with disdain for several decades now.  I'm good with not being nominated for that. (Again, all you judgers: see note above...)

Anyway, the challenge for me is to keep my outlook on the bright side, keep my faith in full gear, and try not to dwell on what I don't have.  I do pretty well at that.  I have to say that I've been able to find my way through that minefield.  But sometimes I get overwhelmed, as I said before, and land on one of those mines.  I get blown to smithereens emotionally.  I get shell-shocked thinking about the next time it may happen too.  Let's just say that a form of single mom PTSD comes and goes.  (You don't have to agree.  I am just trying to explain what non-stop stress feels like to me.)


If I let myself think about it, I will write several paragraphs on a blog that means nothing of any consequence.  The funny thing to know about me, though, is that I DO think. I can't turn it off with a switch.  I think and I try and I work at being happy.  I get involved because I love my family.  For me, love isn't words.  My "love language" is action - show it.


I wish I had money coming in so I could sleep knowing the bills/mortgage will be paid before they are due.


I wish I had money coming in so I could sleep knowing the kids' future missions, college, marriages, etc. were covered.


I wish I had money coming in so I could get a car that didn't fail me repeatedly.


I wish I had money coming in so I could sleep.


I wish I could sleep.

Maybe I'll watch some TV before I turn in.

Luv It When Sis Visits

 Fourth of July at Stone's house.

Tanner brought over his guitar and played along to songs we picked.

David fell in love - with a weapon of Nerf destruction.

 Dinner at the Daw's home - Tanner's girlfriend Sara's family.

 Three girls in one bedroom.

 Siegfried's with the family!  Mmmmmmmm.

 Sculpture I like to call whiskers - in SLC

 Chillin' at home on David's 12th B'day.  Guess what he got? Nerf Long Shooter......

 Soni came by to visit a little while and celebrate David's 12th B'Day!

 Time for the 12-year old to be ordained a Deacon by his dad.  Brother and uncles standing in the circle.

 Stone's girls lovin' on Tracey (dog) and sharing the jewelry among themselves.

 Once everybody went out for the evening, David stayed in with me to have some down time and watch game videos.  Snacking on pretzels and drinking rootbeer.  That's living.

 Finally, Tanner got a car!  After exhaustive searching with his dad, here is the result.